Humility.

Sometimes I have to go back to the basics.  This month has been one of those months.  The other day I actually sat down and started making a mental chart of the places the Lord was showing up, where I did not feel Him at work, the areas of my faith I needed to strength, what I was doing "right," what I was doing really wrong, what He was teaching me, what I felt like I needed to learn more about and the list goes on.  While making this chart I became incredibly frustrated with the fact that I could not find a place to fit everything I wanted to categorize.

"Hey Heather.  Guess what?  I will never work within the walls of your chart, so cut the crap you dumb human."

I have been trying out this whole "Be still" thing and it has proven to be very difficult.  It involves a lot of me laying on my bed, closing my eyes and not talking.  My mind wanders and I do my best to refocus, but more than anything it made me feel like I was not a disciplined enough Christian to simply sit with the Lord.  (This fell under my "need to work on" category).  Guys, this is a load of freaking poop. This past month I have been a fundamentalist Christian.  I have defined myself by my sin, I have only allowed myself to feel righteous when I was having a "good day," I was struggling to accept grace and lost all understanding of God's love.  This is not a fun place to be.

Essentially what all of this means is I lost sight of the cross.  Grace, righteousness and redemption had become such casual thoughts, and what was done on the cross is EVERYTHING but casual.  I got to this place because I was making myself bigger than God; I was telling Him that I was not good enough to be given FREE grace.  I wanted to earn it; I wanted to be God's friend, like we were exchanging favors with each other.  I thought my obedience to Him on Wednesday would make me more righteous than my mistakes on Thursday.

Humility is proclaiming who God says I am, not who I say I am, so basically I was being everything but humble.

I was doing that be quiet thing again yesterday and at some point God placed it on my heart to watch the Passion of the Christ.  Uhmm, okay God.  There I was eating my sandwich, watching my Savior die on the cross while sobbing like a mental person.  The whole movie I kept hearing God say, "You were worth every single bit of it."  I needed a real image of what was done for me, not just words on page, I needed to physically see it.  God has grace and understanding for that.  

Understanding the basics is crucial.

Being broken is more than okay.  I will always be broken.  I will never be unbroken. 

I cannot attain who God has destined me to be until I understand that I will never be the woman of God I was ORIGINALLY (before the fall of man) destined to be.  I will never, ever, ever be free of sin.  EVER.  Christ did not die on the cross for an already righteous person, He died for a BROKEN person.  Being at peace with my brokenness is a breath of fresh air.

 I am redeemed.  I am freely given grace.  I woke up this morning because despite my broken self God has a mighty work to do in me.

I have asked God to spoon feed me His word this week.  Yesterday He re-illustrated what was done on the cross for me.  If the cross has become mundane to you then ask the Lord to refresh and renew your understanding of what exactly He did for YOU on the day the veil was torn.  

Praise God, even on the days I try to categorize him on my DUMB chart.  

LOL at my life.  LOL.

My summer in the mountains.

Cheers to Weathervane Coffee for providing me with the most peaceful and beautiful atmosphere for writing this afternoon.  

Days like today remind me that I am way more sentimental and nostalgic than the average person, and I guess I'm okay with that until I realize that I'm struggling to say goodbye to a ROOM I know I won't ever see again. The night before I moved out of my apartment and home for a week before coming to Denver I wrote about how I was having a hard time leaving the four walls I had called home for two years, but how, in a sense, I was ready to leave. When chapters end or pages turn I am normally ready for them, but not this time, I am not ready and I've been praying big prayers that God would make me ready before I leave this city on Tuesday morning.  What was it about this summer that makes it so hard to leave a place I had never visited before March?  What was it about this summer that makes it so hard to say goodbye to seven people I did not know existed 2 and a half months ago?  What was it about this summer that makes water gather in my eyes when I drive down Colfax knowing that the days of driving down that street are coming to an end?  

We've talked about this as a staff a hundred and one times, but what a summer of serving with CSM does to you is impossible to explain and that's where I am stuck.  I cannot explain how cool it was to hear my students use the word "gentrification" in casual conversation.  I don't know how to put into words the joy my heart was given when I sat down at Senior Support Services to have a conversation with my friends James and John.  Then I try to describe why such a big smile gets brought to my face when a street friend hugs me after I serve them a meal.  It was more than just a summer of serving the Lord and being excited about it, it was a summer of realizing that I absolutely love and adore and want to be in relation with people who are not loved, adored or in relation with anyone.  I just want to be all of their friends and I want to encourage them and let them know that they are just as treasured and loved by the King as I am.  

Some of my students being incredible.  

I knew I had an adventurous spirit, but this summer has inspired me to take life by the hand and just run with anything and everything.  I have discovered a new side of a myself and being surrounded by people with incredibly adventurous spirits encouraged me to dig inside of the person I am still becoming and decide that it's okay that I don't exactly who I am yet.  People bring out different sides of me and working alongside Keysha, Jay, Drew, Jordan, Chris, Lexi and Brittany all summer helped me discover a side to myself that loves deeper and cares more intentionally.  When you're thrown into a group of people and forced to be with them every waking second for two and a half months straight you create a bond that is unique.  We served together, saw hearts change together, experienced belly aching laugh attacks together, but beyond all of that we had an unspoken understanding for each other and that is harder to describe than anything.  My heart was transformed and softened in the presence of these people and I had no other choice but to turn to them in times of stress or frustration.  When we would try to describe how we were feeling and couldn't, we would just know and that's probably the second hardest part of leaving; I'm REALLY going to miss these people. 

 

The absolute hardest part is leaving all of the people I've built relationships with at ministry sites.  I've seen people improve, I've seen people relapse, I've seen people commit their lives to Christ, I've seen people enter into life changing programs, I've seen people refuse help and I've prayed with completely plastered people along Colfax in hopes that something I said would stick.  I know what state I am leaving the people I've met this summer in.  I do not know where they are going to end up and coming to grips with the fact that I may never know where they end up is tough.  However, I have complete confidence that God used me in the conversations He made available and I believe that He has placed His sovereign hand over those people.  God is bigger than their addictions, He is bigger than the label society has placed on them, He is bigger than mental illness and stories of failure after failure after failure.  My prayer is that my friends understand those things too.   

Every group that I got to work with this summer inspired me in one way or another.  It was such an encouragement to see them on Sunday after the prayer tour all nervous and not willing to talk or pray and then to have them super pumped and excited about talking to anyone they see or praying with someone they just met by Friday.  Their willingness and the way they all embraced me was beautiful and it was a HUGE honor to get to work with each of them.  

Kansas City, MO. 

Fontana, KS. 

Abilene, TX. 

Austin, TX. 

Pampa, Idaho. 

Bellingham, WA. 

McPherson, KS.

I'm convinced that I'm never really going to find my place in the world and that's because God is always going to pull either a new desire, a new dream, a new passion, a new place or a new person to the surface of my heart and responding to those things will put me somewhere new and those things will completely change me.  I'm more than okay with this.  I don't ever want to stop growing; I want to continue to find who I am through adventures and building relationships with people.   

People need to be loved and encouraged and pushed.  People need to be told that they are beautiful and wonderful and desired.  I am convinced it is my job to intercede on the Lord's behalf to remind people of these things.  I would like my life to be filled with compassion, love and adventure, where those things are not, is where my work lies.  

Feet. Eyes. Hands.

   I’ve rewritten this line countless times.  I don’t even know how to put my feelings into mere thoughts, nevertheless words.  Bare with me friends. 

 Feet.

I have a mad obsession with Romans 10:15.  “How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news.”  This verse refers to Isaiah 52:7, “ How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, ‘Your God reigns!’”

Mine started in Arlington, TX, then they moved to Mansfield, TX, then to Lubbock, TX, now to Denver, CO.  They’ve also been to Europe, Mexico, California, New Mexico, Oklahoma, Louisiana, Kentucky and several other states. At this moment they are free of shoes and relaxing under a tree at a really pretty park. 

This week I am working with a group who is leading a VBS at a church outside of Denver.  They make my job easy, because they have everything planned, so I get to do more observing than normal and I am so thankful for that.  The VBS is for children ages 5-12, but we’ve had a few 3 and 4 year olds show up and you will hear no complaining from me because my heart has been longing to hold a young child.  Yesterday, as I was sitting back watching my group lead the kids in silly VBS songs, I found myself STARRING at all the children’s feet.  I do not know where those small feet have been, but I became so overwhelmed with joy for each pair.  There is no way of knowing where they will go, but I am brought to tears knowing that they have endless opportunities in front of them.  All I know about these kids is that they love coloring and more than that they love candy; I do not know where they come from or how fake some of their smiles maybe, but today I got to watch them jump up and down, dance, run in circles.  I got to watch them get caught behind each other causing the child to fall down, I watched them walk with purpose and halt to a stop when told to slow down.  I pray for their feet; I hope they grow to deliver the good news talked about in Romans & Isaiah, I pray that as they grow up and out of this sweet stage of innocence that they travel to places where they can learn, develop opinions on the world, hike to beautiful places that refresh their minds and ultimately that they would constantly be searching for a new adventure.

Eyes.

Mine have seen Cathedrals that took over 250 years to build, 5-foot stingrays, the Earth from the top of mountains, love stories unfold, redemption, PURE laughter, new life and on and on.  I pray that God would give me His eyes (for just one second, give me your eyes so I can see… :)) and He has been faithful to that.  Everyday I am in Denver He shows me something new.  Besides seeing some pretty incredible things He has given me the chance to see heartache, brokenness, complete hopelessness and more.  As much as those things pain me, I am thankful for them.  For the longest time I did not know how to embrace the marginalized, He has more than changed that. 

Two nights ago my group served with Mean Street Ministries, a ministry that goes door to door to motels off of Colfax delivering burritos and asking for prayer requests.  We pulled up to the first motel and behind this bush comes running the prettiest little girl I have ever seen in my whole life.  I will NEVER forget her face.  She came running up to the bus, anxious to see whom we were and what gifts we were bearing.  She was covered in dirt; head to toe.  Her clothes were stained, torn and filthy.  She wore a pink shirt with a skirt that looked a few sizes too small.  Her hair was long, curly & dark.  Her smile completely took over her face and then there were her eyes; big, blue and beautiful.  

Not much can compare to looking into the eyes of a child.  If I've learned anything in my communication classes it's that looking into someones eyes communicates compassion.  After delivering burritos I walked over to this child and talked with her.  She showed me her bear, then blushed when I told her how pretty she was.  Those eyes were hopeful; despite the fact that she looked as if she had not been bathed in a week, despite the fact that her care takers did not take notice of her when she was begging for their attention by running in the street, despite the fact that she was running around a dumpster for fun.  My eyes were protected from the things my parents did not want me to see at a young age, and I am thankful to them for that.  I was broken as we pulled out of the parking lot, and God reminded me that she has all the same opportunities I had when I was her age.  I told Him, "But she probably does not have parents who care for her the way mine did.  She's getting ignored and he childhood is being taken away from her."  God then did something really cool, He told me that no matter what her living situation is, where she comes from, who her parents are or what she has seen, He made her eyes and He has things He is going to show her.  Touche God, touche.

Hands.

My prayer this week is that the Lord would allow me to lay hands on His people.  Ask, seek, knock; the Lord will deliver.  She was at the second motel we stopped and she refused to tell me her name. This woman had a tough demeanor to her that was almost intimidating, but not intimidating enough to turn me away.  She had a rough face and her hands were trembling.  She told myself and the other two in my group that her family (3 children and boyfriend) were going to be kicked out of their motel room on Thursday.  We told her that we would love to pray with her, but she insisted that she was not the one who needed prayer, her children were.  We kneeled down to her level, held hands and prayed a simple prayer.  We asked the Lord to keep her children safe and to lay His hand of protection over their lives.  We asked Him to make His presence known and with a somber “amen” I looked up to see God DEMOLISHING the walls His child had built up.  I got to physically watch hope and tears fill the eyes of this woman.   Praise the Lord for not only allowing me to clasp my hand together with this woman's, but for interceding on my behalf to bring glory to Him and hope to His beloved child.

I have spent the last 3 days desperately trying to write out the things the Lord is teaching me.  Backspace after backspace, after cut & paste; this does not do what the Lord is doing in my heart justice.  Just know that God is good and there is A LOT going on in my heart.  

Here are some pictures from our VBS.  These children's willingness and innocence are what have kept me so joyful this week.  

Denver through the eyes of a wanna-be local.

Saturday afternoons; they are the best time of the entire week, hands down.  For one, the amount of laziness that is accepted is at its peak, and for two, rain or shine they are the prettiest day out of the seven.  Plus, the way "Saturday afternoon" rolls off my tongue makes me want to lay a wet one on every person I see.  There is a lot of magic to be experienced on this particular day of the week and this past Saturday was no exception.  

I love pictures for reasons I cannot put into words, so my sweet friend Brittany and I took a long walk through downtown Denver this past Saturday to capture the city from our perspective.  When I say our perspective I mean the things we notice that other people might ignore or avoid.  

The church lawn, across the street from my house, is home to many and on a I-can't-breathe-it's-so-hot afternoon the trees that line the sidewalk are rumored to be the hotspot for a little shut eye, as proven by this man.  

To the people who find comfort in shopping carts and benches along Colfax; thanks for being friendly and for ALWAYS returning my smile with a smile or a real slick head nod.  

One of the many reasons Colfax is referred to as the Boulevard of Broken Dreams.

CSM Denver hosts are a regular at this joint; crunchy french toast is a MUST & they might as well put a plaque with our names on it at the booth in the back against the door.  I already know that some of our very best memories of this summer will be made here!  

They hire the homeless & I have yet to try their pizza, but I've heard UNREAL things about it.  

Colfax, thanks for being beautiful, in a very broken way.  

I have a new found obsession with this building.  JUST LOOK AT IT.  

The Denver Mint is the PRETTIEST building in the city of Denver.  But, that's only if you don't count the houses that line Downing Street.  

In case you forgot, west texans, trees are a thing and they are big and beautiful & GREEN & I just wanna hang out with them all day.  

Preach it Municipal Office Building wall, PREACH IT!  

There are several pianos on 16th street mall and I am thankful to the city of Denver for putting them there.  Music is joy, especially when my sweet homeless friends are the ones making it.  

This guy can make a goldfish appear from under his hat.  I flipped.  

I talked about Steve in my last post, this is him.  Brittany and I got to talking to him for another hour when we were on our photo escapade.  Once again, he's BRILLIANT and as much as he pretends to hate us for distracting him from work, he loves to ask questions.  

Just a little 16th street humor!! 

Life is sweet and I still can't believe this is real life.  Praise the Lord for giving me a new lens to look at His people through!!