Cheers to the wandering years.

I am labeling the next 2 to 3 years of my life as the "wandering years." 

Stability and consistency is something I find comfort in, and I have basically decided to live in a constant state of change for the next few years.  I don't always need to have a plan and I consider myself a spontaneous person, but when I am moving from home to home, state to state, church to church, one community of friends to another community of friends I find myself in the middle of an anxiety attack.

Freewill is a good thing, it's a very good thing.  Freewill means that the Lord directs my path, but that He gives me the option to take the steps I want to take and in the direction I want to take them.  Freewill is a good thing, until you have to make a really big, life altering decision.  I have issues committing to a burger when I am ordering at a restaurant, so imagine the commitment issues I have when told I need to make a decision about what I'll be doing for the next year of my life… 

I am moving to Denver, Colorado and I have never wanted anything more in my whole life.

Sometimes it is easier for me to connect to places than it is for me to connect to people, and Denver is one of those places.  At a very young age I dreamed of one day living in the mountains, and the Lord continued to spark that desire throughout my life.  He gave me numerous opportunities to visit Colorado with my family and it was during those vacations that I would dream of the house I would one day live in, the bike I would ride to work, the dogs I would love and the life I would one day live in the beautiful state I came to love.  The Lord then allowed me to spend 2 and a half months living in Denver and nothing could prepare me for the transformation that would unfold in myself and the longing He would place in me to return to the city.  

I am going back and I am more terrified than I know how to express and more excited than I could try to explain. 

I will be living on the support of others (raising $900 a month), moving to a city where I know 5 people, living in a tiny loft downtown with someone I've never met, working with an amazing team of my very favorite people, loving on a demographic of people I have a crazy amount of love and respect for, teaching the hard truth of social injustice to a variety of students from all over the country and once again, I am torn emotionally between an unbalanced amount of excitement and an overwhelming dose of fear.    

Leaving the comfort of consistency is required for personal growth and I am so incredibly hungry to be pushed out of everything I think I know and into devastating realities, shattered hearts and a more intimate relationship with Jesus than I could ever try to imagine.  

The "wandering years" is my new season.  I have zero expectations because God is really good at taking my ideas about what I think will happen and replacing them with so much more.  I plan to embrace every opportunity matter-of-factly as if to respond to God's faithfulness with a head nod that speaks "well of course that happened."  

Prayers, hugs, words of wisdom, insight and love are all welcome; because my dreams are officially my reality and that's pretty damn cool.  

Endurance equals freedom.

It isn't until I see my words written out on a piece of paper or a computer screen that I understand what I am thinking or what I am trying to say.  My hands and mind are often on different wavelengths and without realizing it I will look up and find my hearts deepest hurts and most genuine joys.  

I want to be brave.  I want to allow the Lord to empower me to walk in the fullness of my new season but I want to stay right here forever; holding my roommates hands and swooning over pretty Scottish boys on our new favorite TV show.  I want to continue discipling the sweet youth students I have gotten to invest in this summer, but I want to see them be lead by someone new.  I want this summer to last forever, but I want to it to be fall more than just about anything.  I want to move to Denver this very second, but I never want to hug my friend’s goodbye. I want to keep my Hannah's at arms length for as long as they will allow me to, but I want HA to go on the World Race and HB to get married in March.  I want to stop moving forward, but my heart is running as fast as it can in a direction I am incredibly excited about.  

I am torn and everything is unsure.  Everything except the Lord and His divine love and grace.  Thank goodness that the most important aspect of who I am will never change.  Praise Jesus for offering me consistency within Himself.  

Growth is this really weird thing that happens without you realizing it; one day you're 2 foot nothing and the next you're well over 5 feet tall, one day you're walking into high school and the next you're graduating college, one day you're being introduced to Jesus and the next you're walking in the Spirit; seeking His guidance in every tiny and huge decision.

After working with high school students all summer it hit me just how much I have grown and how unaware I was that it was happening.  Isn't it weird how one day you're struggling to forgive someone that really hurt you and then the next you're able to see beyond the thing they said or did to you?  What happens during the time between those two things occurring?  I didn't just arrive at a place of forgiveness or healing, I had to walk through a long, strenuous, heart wrenching process of releasing the things I had (*have) clenched in my white-knuckled fists.  Growth happens on the way to your destination; I didn't get to where I am because I just showed up here, I had to endure a lot in order to be freed from the things that were chaining me down.  

I have been trailing my anxious and unsettled heart back to the fact that a lot of change is happening this week, but ultimately I am worried about being called to release things I have held a little too close for a little too long.  I am being called to move beyond life as a college student, I am being removed from my community and the city I have called home for 4 years, I have to say goodbye to the comfort of my church family, I need to let go of the familiar presence my roommates give up everyday, I am being told to move forward without giving into the temptation to look back.  I have been told that to live a life that glorifies and furthers the Lord's Kingdom is a life that guarantees sacrifice, and it's about that time to make A LOT of sacrifices.  

I want to be where I am going without the journey, without the growing or stretching, because that part sucks.  I know that the Lord does not do anything half way, and as thankful as I am to serve a God that is thorough, I am anxious about the fact that He won't let me JUST arrive, but that He is going to walk down a path with me that is going to call for a lot of sacrifice.  It is time, again, for a lot of growth to take place and that's pretty dang terrifying.  

  

I will let go.  I will release.  I will be brave.   

A few thoughts, from an almost college graduate.

I am still dreaming about the day I pack my life into the trunk of my car and head off to "the best four years of my life."  College is a place where I plan to meet hundreds of new people, hangout really late on school nights, eat ramen noodles for every meal and study a little here and there.  I still have an idea of what my college experience is going to be like, and then I step back and remember that in one week I am done with this thing I am still looking forward to.  ONE WEEK and I will never have to study again, do homework or papers or group projects or research or extra credit or speeches or presentations and that is beautiful.  This season is over; college is over and it is undeniably terrifying in the most heart wrenching way. Life after college is not something I ever felt a need to envision.  At the end of every season I have been able to imagine what the next season was going to look like, but I didn't picture anything beyond the idea of 3 dogs and a house when it came to life after receiving my degree.  I wasn't supposed to ever ACTUALLY arrive at this place of absolute independence and job searching and new states and everyone leaving me to get married and start their own adventure.  We were supposed to all stay in the same place; throwing Harry Potter parties, having dinners in the backyard, going on road trips, hanging out in fields, eating fast food at two in the morning, jumping strangers' fences, exploring back roads, going dancing until our feet hurt, spending money we didn't have, eating queso for lunch and dinner, getting the cops called on us, lounging in the park under trees with our books and stories all while enjoying the presence of the people hand picked for us to experience all this with.  But we aren't, we aren't supposed to stay in this place where we know how everything works and functions, because that isn't exciting and won't stretch us.  We cannot continue to grow when we are living in a state of mind that we have outgrown.  If you are in the process of transitioning from one season to the next, you are ready.  Every part of who you are; your mind, heart, thoughts, desires and dreams have been prepared for all the big and small things this new chapter can't wait to present to you.  And just because my seasons are changing does not mean I can't still do the crazy things I've done in college.  Don't be too cool for your new seasons, allow the things that make you, you spill over into your new season.  Because I don't know about you, but I don't ever plan on letting honey butter chicken biscuits, at 2 in the morning, go.    

College is this distant idea and concept I have not grasped or fully understand yet.  Maybe 3 years from now I'll look back at the conversations, experiences, stories, hangout times and recognize them as life altering moments, but for now the last 4 years of my life is a tangled mess that I don't have a single emotion, thought or word for.  The person on the other side of "the best 4 years of my life" is someone I can't describe and someone I don't really know yet, which is really cool.  I love the idea that with the places we visit, the things we see, the people we meet, the opportunities we're given, the trials we face, the obstacles we overcome, the words that hurt us and the secrets we share we fall deeper into the person we are destined to be.  The thing is, we don't just deal with the hurts and happy's of each season and then leave them there, they follow us; the strength we inherent and the scars we are still healing from are part of the you that is entering into your new season and that's okay.      

Here's this; you are going to be told no, you are going to be rejected, you are going to be accepted, lifted up, torn down, encouraged, disrespected and loved, and you know what?  Not only are your dreams valid, but the deepest desires of your heart are valid.  When someone says no to you, that is not the Lord saying no to you, that is His way of saying YES to something else.  When you are told YES, live in the fact that the opportunity/situation is tailored for you.

So, if your seasons are changing then embrace the unpredictable future that is excited and ready to welcome you with open arms and happy smiles.  You think you know what's going to happen and you can try to mentally and spiritually prepare all you want, but the things that are going to take place in your heart are things only the Creator of the mountains, caves, oceans, trees, flowers, leaves, wind, animals and Heavens can think up.  And if you are being told yes, then confidently live in the yes.  If you are being told no, then you aren't really being told no at all, you're just being told yes to something that hasn't been revealed to you yet.  If you don't know what you're being told, well then sitting at the feet of the Lord with a joyful spirit and a happy heart, is a good place to start.  

Food for thought.

It's the ending of a movie, the sharing of secrets, high fives from acquaintances (because they know some sort of physical contact is appropriate, but a hug would be pushing it too far), the casual conversation with the sweet human checking you out at the grocery store, the stars and the way they observe all of us earthlings and our nightly adventures, the smell of fresh air blowing through your home, spontaneous gifts from people that love you, screaming lyrics that aren't actually the lyrics but you don't know what the lyrics are and the windows are down so you have to yell something, the changing of seasons, the unpredictability that awaits at the beginning of everyday and yet still knowing their is peace and understanding that also awaits at the beginning of everyday, it's the natural light and the way it brightens the room you're reading in and it's the way you listen intently to the father-son conversation happening at the table next to you at dinner.  

Life is about connecting with people and the world you're in.  If you are cooped up in your room hanging out with your friends via Instagram or spending your evening watching Netflix then what part of life are you really experiencing?  I am not saying the occasional night in with your friends Meredith Grey and Christina Yang is a bad thing, we all need time to veg out and think about nothing, but my advice would be to get out of the house after a while and experience the night air or the sunshine or the bitter breeze.  I have classified myself as an outgoing introvert, because although I love to be around people, being by myself refuels my soul.  If you too are an introvert then go spend time alone taking notice of the same things you see everyday.  It is not until you leave a place that you realize how special it was to begin with.  Every time I drive into Mansfield after being away from home for a while my eyes are everywhere BUT the road; I am too busy swelling at the fields, stop signs, banks and familiarity to tell I am driving in between lanes, because it turns out that I missed my hometown a lot and I forgot how sweet everything about it was to me.  So, introverts, go spend your night alone with the world and all the things you love about it, because one day you're going to move on and wish you would have spent more time with the places that surround you.  

On my run the other morning I passed by a house being demolished and it wasn't until the house was gone that I realized it was even there.  Of course it was just some old house that is going to be replaced with either a new home or business, but that house had a story which makes the house that I never noticed special to someone.  Everything and every place has a story and everyone and every place is special to someone.  What house, street, restaurant or coffee shop it special to you?  Well, next time you're there love it extra hard and allow yourself to consciously breath in everything it has to offer.  

Surface level conversations are the very worst and yet we are forced to partake in them everyday, so why don't we stop?  It could be by complete coincidence that the man bagging your groceries is bagging your groceries because that's his job, or maybe he has a really intriguing story to share or he's got a super unique career ambition and if you stick to the "hey, how are you" conversation then you'll never get to hear a piece of this incredible humans story.  The people at the grocery store, waiting on you at dinner, sitting in the car next to you at the stop light and the people you share a back fence with you are the people that make up this world, so go out and get to know them! 

Life is the people and the places and how we humans chose to experience them.  I will do my best to experience them intentionally, because if I don't then I am the one missing out.  There are plenty of new people to meet. things to see and places to experience, so go out and ask intentional questions, and lay hands on the places you love to be.  

Heaven on Earth, in my backyard.

"I just know that things like this are going to happen in Heaven and I'm excited about that."

Fall is EVERYONES favorite season this time of year.  And yes, it is my favorite season for the same reasons it's everyone else's favorite season; the changing of the weather, the colors, the scarfs, pumpkin everything, football, chili, fuzzy socks, flannel and candy corn.  What people don't see when I say I love fall is the goose bumps my heart gets at the sight of a pretty orange tree, a cold breeze or the sighting of pumpkins on porches.  I have a true, indescribable, I-wish-I-could-put-into-words joy that comes around this time of the year.  

All day long my house has smelled like fall.  Pot roast was cooking in the crock-pot, candles were burning and the windows were open; allowing the cool breeze to fill the house with all its fresh outside goodness.  I am absolutely sure my heart rate was through the roof!  

We hung lights in the backyard, covered the tables with pretty table cloths, laid out mason jars with tea lights and had The Autumn Film albums on repeat.  Friends started showing up with yummy dishes around 6 o'clock.  We were all gathered in the kitchen, laughing and telling stories about our day as we waited for the green beans to finish cooking.  The sweet, sweet boys set the table and handed out drinks as we all snapped photos and marveled at our hard work.  

The ten of us stood in a circle, hands held, thanking the Lord for good friends, good food and His plan for our futures.  

We served ourselves then all went outside to sit down under twinkling lights.  We laughed with each other, gave each other a hard time about funny comments and embarrassing stories, we shared our plans for after college and encouraged each other with smiles and fist bumps.  We took pictures and complimented the food.  

The area of my life I feel like I have been most blessed in is the amount of incredibly wonderful people I've gotten the opportunity to build friendships with.  The Lord has been more than generous in surrounding me with people that love Him and strive to live a life that is glorifying to Him.  He has given me friends that like to enjoy life in the same ways I like to enjoy life; people that appreciate the tiniest of things and seek out adventure in their day to day lives.  I am thankful that He found me worthy enough to send His VERY best do to life with me.  

As this season of my life is on the verge of wrapping up I have been thinking a lot about the people I will keep in contact with after college.  I know that I won't always be good friends with even half the people I am now, but that's okay, because I am going to get to see those people in Heaven one day and I cannot wait.  We will sit around a table in the middle of October and catch up; sharing all the things the Lord did through us, where He took us, who we met along the way and how incredibly thankful we are for His love.  

Tonight was a lot like what I think Heaven will be like.  Cold weather, unhealthy food, pretty lights and kind hearts gathering around a table to rejoice in the joy of the Lord together.  

After finishing up dinner our sweet gentlemen friends cleaned the dishes while we made cinnamon roll waffles.  We then gathered around the TV to watch a movie that we sang along to, quoted and laughed at while self indulging in candy corn.  

My heart has a sweet smile on its face.  Tonight was perfect.  

Humility.

Sometimes I have to go back to the basics.  This month has been one of those months.  The other day I actually sat down and started making a mental chart of the places the Lord was showing up, where I did not feel Him at work, the areas of my faith I needed to strength, what I was doing "right," what I was doing really wrong, what He was teaching me, what I felt like I needed to learn more about and the list goes on.  While making this chart I became incredibly frustrated with the fact that I could not find a place to fit everything I wanted to categorize.

"Hey Heather.  Guess what?  I will never work within the walls of your chart, so cut the crap you dumb human."

I have been trying out this whole "Be still" thing and it has proven to be very difficult.  It involves a lot of me laying on my bed, closing my eyes and not talking.  My mind wanders and I do my best to refocus, but more than anything it made me feel like I was not a disciplined enough Christian to simply sit with the Lord.  (This fell under my "need to work on" category).  Guys, this is a load of freaking poop. This past month I have been a fundamentalist Christian.  I have defined myself by my sin, I have only allowed myself to feel righteous when I was having a "good day," I was struggling to accept grace and lost all understanding of God's love.  This is not a fun place to be.

Essentially what all of this means is I lost sight of the cross.  Grace, righteousness and redemption had become such casual thoughts, and what was done on the cross is EVERYTHING but casual.  I got to this place because I was making myself bigger than God; I was telling Him that I was not good enough to be given FREE grace.  I wanted to earn it; I wanted to be God's friend, like we were exchanging favors with each other.  I thought my obedience to Him on Wednesday would make me more righteous than my mistakes on Thursday.

Humility is proclaiming who God says I am, not who I say I am, so basically I was being everything but humble.

I was doing that be quiet thing again yesterday and at some point God placed it on my heart to watch the Passion of the Christ.  Uhmm, okay God.  There I was eating my sandwich, watching my Savior die on the cross while sobbing like a mental person.  The whole movie I kept hearing God say, "You were worth every single bit of it."  I needed a real image of what was done for me, not just words on page, I needed to physically see it.  God has grace and understanding for that.  

Understanding the basics is crucial.

Being broken is more than okay.  I will always be broken.  I will never be unbroken. 

I cannot attain who God has destined me to be until I understand that I will never be the woman of God I was ORIGINALLY (before the fall of man) destined to be.  I will never, ever, ever be free of sin.  EVER.  Christ did not die on the cross for an already righteous person, He died for a BROKEN person.  Being at peace with my brokenness is a breath of fresh air.

 I am redeemed.  I am freely given grace.  I woke up this morning because despite my broken self God has a mighty work to do in me.

I have asked God to spoon feed me His word this week.  Yesterday He re-illustrated what was done on the cross for me.  If the cross has become mundane to you then ask the Lord to refresh and renew your understanding of what exactly He did for YOU on the day the veil was torn.  

Praise God, even on the days I try to categorize him on my DUMB chart.  

LOL at my life.  LOL.

My summer in the mountains.

Cheers to Weathervane Coffee for providing me with the most peaceful and beautiful atmosphere for writing this afternoon.  

Days like today remind me that I am way more sentimental and nostalgic than the average person, and I guess I'm okay with that until I realize that I'm struggling to say goodbye to a ROOM I know I won't ever see again. The night before I moved out of my apartment and home for a week before coming to Denver I wrote about how I was having a hard time leaving the four walls I had called home for two years, but how, in a sense, I was ready to leave. When chapters end or pages turn I am normally ready for them, but not this time, I am not ready and I've been praying big prayers that God would make me ready before I leave this city on Tuesday morning.  What was it about this summer that makes it so hard to leave a place I had never visited before March?  What was it about this summer that makes it so hard to say goodbye to seven people I did not know existed 2 and a half months ago?  What was it about this summer that makes water gather in my eyes when I drive down Colfax knowing that the days of driving down that street are coming to an end?  

We've talked about this as a staff a hundred and one times, but what a summer of serving with CSM does to you is impossible to explain and that's where I am stuck.  I cannot explain how cool it was to hear my students use the word "gentrification" in casual conversation.  I don't know how to put into words the joy my heart was given when I sat down at Senior Support Services to have a conversation with my friends James and John.  Then I try to describe why such a big smile gets brought to my face when a street friend hugs me after I serve them a meal.  It was more than just a summer of serving the Lord and being excited about it, it was a summer of realizing that I absolutely love and adore and want to be in relation with people who are not loved, adored or in relation with anyone.  I just want to be all of their friends and I want to encourage them and let them know that they are just as treasured and loved by the King as I am.  

Some of my students being incredible.  

I knew I had an adventurous spirit, but this summer has inspired me to take life by the hand and just run with anything and everything.  I have discovered a new side of a myself and being surrounded by people with incredibly adventurous spirits encouraged me to dig inside of the person I am still becoming and decide that it's okay that I don't exactly who I am yet.  People bring out different sides of me and working alongside Keysha, Jay, Drew, Jordan, Chris, Lexi and Brittany all summer helped me discover a side to myself that loves deeper and cares more intentionally.  When you're thrown into a group of people and forced to be with them every waking second for two and a half months straight you create a bond that is unique.  We served together, saw hearts change together, experienced belly aching laugh attacks together, but beyond all of that we had an unspoken understanding for each other and that is harder to describe than anything.  My heart was transformed and softened in the presence of these people and I had no other choice but to turn to them in times of stress or frustration.  When we would try to describe how we were feeling and couldn't, we would just know and that's probably the second hardest part of leaving; I'm REALLY going to miss these people. 

 

The absolute hardest part is leaving all of the people I've built relationships with at ministry sites.  I've seen people improve, I've seen people relapse, I've seen people commit their lives to Christ, I've seen people enter into life changing programs, I've seen people refuse help and I've prayed with completely plastered people along Colfax in hopes that something I said would stick.  I know what state I am leaving the people I've met this summer in.  I do not know where they are going to end up and coming to grips with the fact that I may never know where they end up is tough.  However, I have complete confidence that God used me in the conversations He made available and I believe that He has placed His sovereign hand over those people.  God is bigger than their addictions, He is bigger than the label society has placed on them, He is bigger than mental illness and stories of failure after failure after failure.  My prayer is that my friends understand those things too.   

Every group that I got to work with this summer inspired me in one way or another.  It was such an encouragement to see them on Sunday after the prayer tour all nervous and not willing to talk or pray and then to have them super pumped and excited about talking to anyone they see or praying with someone they just met by Friday.  Their willingness and the way they all embraced me was beautiful and it was a HUGE honor to get to work with each of them.  

Kansas City, MO. 

Fontana, KS. 

Abilene, TX. 

Austin, TX. 

Pampa, Idaho. 

Bellingham, WA. 

McPherson, KS.

I'm convinced that I'm never really going to find my place in the world and that's because God is always going to pull either a new desire, a new dream, a new passion, a new place or a new person to the surface of my heart and responding to those things will put me somewhere new and those things will completely change me.  I'm more than okay with this.  I don't ever want to stop growing; I want to continue to find who I am through adventures and building relationships with people.   

People need to be loved and encouraged and pushed.  People need to be told that they are beautiful and wonderful and desired.  I am convinced it is my job to intercede on the Lord's behalf to remind people of these things.  I would like my life to be filled with compassion, love and adventure, where those things are not, is where my work lies.