It isn't until I see my words
written out on a piece of paper or a computer screen that I understand what I
am thinking or what I am trying to say. My hands and mind are often on
different wavelengths and without realizing it I will look up and find my
hearts deepest hurts and most genuine joys.
I want to be brave. I want
to allow the Lord to empower me to walk in the fullness of my new season but I
want to stay right here forever; holding my roommates hands and swooning over
pretty Scottish boys on our new favorite TV show. I want to continue discipling
the sweet youth students I have gotten to invest in this summer, but I want to
see them be lead by someone new. I want this summer to last forever, but
I want to it to be fall more than just about anything. I want to move to
Denver this very second, but I never want to hug my friend’s goodbye. I want to
keep my Hannah's at arms length for as long as they will allow me to, but I
want HA to go on the World Race and HB to get married in March. I want to
stop moving forward, but my heart is running as fast as it can in a direction I
am incredibly excited about.
I am torn and everything is
unsure. Everything except the Lord and His divine love and grace.
Thank goodness that the most important aspect of who I am will never
change. Praise Jesus for offering me consistency within Himself.
Growth is this really weird thing
that happens without you realizing it; one day you're 2 foot nothing and the next
you're well over 5 feet tall, one day you're walking into high school and the
next you're graduating college, one day you're being introduced to Jesus and
the next you're walking in the Spirit; seeking His guidance in every tiny and
huge decision.
After working with high school
students all summer it hit me just how much I have grown and how unaware I was
that it was happening. Isn't it weird how one day you're struggling to
forgive someone that really hurt you and then the next you're able to see
beyond the thing they said or did to you? What happens during the time
between those two things occurring? I didn't just arrive at a place of
forgiveness or healing, I had to walk through a long, strenuous, heart
wrenching process of releasing the things I had (*have) clenched in my white-knuckled
fists. Growth happens on the way to your destination; I didn't get to
where I am because I just showed up here, I had to endure a lot in order to be
freed from the things that were chaining me down.
I have been trailing my anxious
and unsettled heart back to the fact that a lot of change is happening this
week, but ultimately I am worried about being called to release things I have
held a little too close for a little too long. I am being called to move
beyond life as a college student, I am being removed from my community and
the city I have called home for 4 years, I have to say goodbye to the
comfort of my church family, I need to let go of the familiar presence
my roommates give up everyday, I am being told to move forward without giving
into the temptation to look back. I have been told that to live a life
that glorifies and furthers the Lord's Kingdom is a life that guarantees
sacrifice, and it's about that time to make A LOT of sacrifices.
I want to be where I am going
without the journey, without the growing or stretching, because that part
sucks. I know that the Lord does not do anything half way, and as
thankful as I am to serve a God that is thorough, I am anxious about the fact
that He won't let me JUST arrive, but that He is going to walk down a path with
me that is going to call for a lot of sacrifice. It is time, again, for a
lot of growth to take place and that's pretty dang terrifying.
I will let go. I will release. I will be brave.
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