Happy 20th to me, from under a tree.

The chance that I spent my evening sitting under a tree at the park writing this blog is very high, and yes; it is my 20^th birthday.  I was leaving a friends house planning on killing time at the local coffee shop when I drove past a beautiful park, so I decided to find a pretty tree and well here I am. 

The wind is light and the air is soft.  It’s April and the season of spring is in full effect. 

I enjoy going on adventures and I enjoy life most during moments like these; moments of spontaneous impulse, moments that allow me to be by myself and reflect.  Writing and being alone are my two favorite hobbies; I’m in my element right now. 

God is always good.  He planted the tree that I’m sitting under for this exact moment.  Before I was thought into existence, He knew that on my 20^th birthday I would need to be by myself, so He planted it and made this moment perfect.    

With all that being said, here are a few things that have been taking over my mind and my heart for the past few weeks:

I am a loner and that is okay.  The Lord set me apart and along with that he wrote out a specific list of things that would romance my heart, being alone is one of them.  I dream about the day I get to have my own little house with shudders.  It will be my two dogs and me.  I will drink wine and go to bed early.  It’ll be fantastic.  

Don’t give up on the people you care about!  Believe in them and let them know you believe in them.  Don’t keep things unsaid. 

I am really good at dwelling on things in the past.  Sometimes I think that I’ve already lived the best years of my life, sad, right?  My life has been so wonderfully blessed and maybe that is why I think that eventually my life has to start going downhill.  I know in my heart that the Lord will take care of me, but in my head it’s a different story. 

We live in a lost world and people are so desperate for the hope I have.  Why am I so scared to share the Truth?  Ghandi once said that if the God that Christians serve was real, then he would crawl over hot coals to tell his brother, he would not let anything stand in his way of sharing that Love.  

Natasha Bedingfield has the most beautiful voice I have ever heard.    

The Lord is placing things in order NOW that will not happen until way later.  My life is His symphony and loves being the conductor. 

The Lord will bless my work.  I like to ask Him to give me input on every minor detail of my life; I forget that He gives us choices.  If I am unsure, all I have to do is ask for Him to work through my choices.  His will is going to be done, no matter what. I am not big enough to mess up His plan.

Life is short.  In Ecclesiastes it talks about the ‘few days of our lives.’  Compared to eternity we are on this Earth for no longer than it takes to blink or take in a deep breath.  I am so caught up in things that are meaningless.  When I am on my death bed I am going to be more upset about not spending more time with the Lord, than I am going to be about the grade I made on my research methods paper my Sophomore year of college. 

Friendships are priceless.  Nothing in my life means more to me than memories.  I cling to memories, hold onto memories, replay memories over and over and over again.  My favorite memories are with the people who have grown with me.  I have wonderful, unique, beautifully blessed friendships with many sweet friends.  The Lord knew what He was doing when He placed the people in my life that He did over the course of the last 9 years.  I owe who I am to my friends.   

One day, I will be special to someone.  

Birthdays are fun, but I don’t like getting older.  I always said that I wanted to be 16 forever and I still stand to that but life must go on.  The world stops for no one, all we can do is keep on keeping on and pray that the path you're on is the right one.  The one filled with storms and trials, but also filled with love and hope. 

Okay, a crazy game of tag has started among a bunch of high school kids here at the park. Thanks for listening to me rant about a bunch of things that don't make sense. 

Happy 20th to me, from under a tree. 

Dear Andrew,

“We’ll feel so alive. Throw it away, forget yesterday, we’ll make the great escape, we won’t hear a word they say, they don’t know us anyway. Watch it burn, let it die because we are finally free tonight.”
-Boys like Girls.

You have had a very special and sacred place in my heart, not by choice, for the past 5 years.  That fragile piece of my heart is achy and I don’t think about it much.  I push it to the back and only show it light when I hear songs like Great Escape or drive by the old Walnut Ridge Church.  Those things, along with several others, remind me of a very young and beautiful Andrew.  They take me back to a time of innocence and hot, sticky weather.  They take me back to sweaty palms and smirks.  I hide that piece of my heart for several reasons.  Reasons of hurt, reasons of joy, reasons of innocence and reasons that make me long to go back to that time.  We were allowed to be a bunch of kids who did stupid stuff, I miss that.  It also makes me sad because it reminds me of a time when I would cling to every kind word you said. That piece of my heart has, and always will, miss your inspirational spirit.  And well, there are other reasons I keep that piece of my heart "in the back."

In all honesty I have you to thank for being the girl that I am.  That is so cliché and I hate that, but it is true.  You were a very big part of my life for a very long time and nothing in the whole world will take those times away from both my mind and my heart.  They are engraved in me and on me.  When I say that I am the way I am because of you I mean that you molded my heart in a way that will only change with lots and lots of prayer and time.  I have a lot of walls, a lot of preconceived notions, a lot of fear, a lot of hope, a lot of expectations and a lot to look forward to thanks to the time we spent together.  I was never good at speaking my heart to you, so you may be shocked at how much I really did care for you and about you.

You know I really did have a lot of hope in you.  By hope I mean I saw straight into your heart. I saw a man who had an influence on everyone. You were a true leader.  You were a dreamer and I admired that about you.  You captivated people, you drew them in with your big heart. I believed in you.  I tried to be someone who encouraged and supported you but I don’t think I did a very good job.  I disappeared from your life.  I moved on and got over the games.  You would cross my mind and I would smile but I wouldn’t do anything about it.  I would allow myself to go back to a time of beauty and growth, but I would leave you there.  I wouldn’t allow you in my “now” life.  I am sorry for that.
 
As I sit here & listen to the Boys like Girls album I think about only good things, here are a few. Just a few…

 Remember that time you and Jared climbed a ladder to the second story of my house so you could write on my window? Well chips of that yellow paint remain; I’ll make sure that they’re there forever.  Remember when you and Trantham threw rocks at my window then recited Romeo & Juliet?  You were a sweetheart.  Remember when you, me, Shelby & Timmy took four chairs to that creepy cemetery and hung out?  I loved everything about that night.  Remember when you and Ashley didn’t have a cell phone so you would fight over the house phone?  Those were some funny conversations.  Remember that time when we would message on myspace?  That was so ninth grade.  Remember that time when I called you for the very first time?  It was Easter of 2007, I'll let you tease me for my insane memory later, but who would have ever thought that the sweet seventeen year old on the other end of the phone would have been sent home exactly 5 years later?  I remember we talked about fish sticks & milk.  

Thank you for having the heart that you did.  Sorry for not being there as much as I know I should have been.  You will always be first and nothing will ever change that.  I will love you forever Andrew.  Forever and ever and ever. Rest in peace sweet boy.


Heather Huante  


"Yoooooour voooooooooice was the soundtrack of my summer. Do you know you're unlike any other? You'll always be my thunder and I said, you're eyes are brightest of all colors. I don't wanna ever wanna love another, you'll always be my thunder"